Hindsight #2: January 2015 pt 1

We've kept everything about possibly moving under wraps from the kids. I know that the moment they know, I will no longer be able to control the message, and I want to tell my friends myself. Which became almost impossible the moment my mother-in-law was told.   She was so excited and couldn't remember that we weren't telling them about it yet.

Strong emotions around a topic have staying power in her brain now, almost to the exclusion of anything else.  This creates what we refer to as "loops," in which she will stay super focused, repeating questions and conversation over and over again.  Sometimes the loops are fairly spread apart, an hour or so, and other times they repeat seemingly right on top of one another.  It can be very hard to maneuver her out of a loop and the more emotional it is, the harder to get her to refocus.

Interestingly, I have also noticed, the more physically uncomfortable or 'out of her element' she is, the worse it is, too.  For instance, it gets really bad when my father-in-law (her grounding touch stone) isn't around and even worse when we are not at their house.  She's much better when she's at home.

Coming home from vacation means seeing friends again.  And I couldn't keep it a secret from them for long. Not talking about it, even though nothing was happening besides looking at real estate, I felt like I was lying.  A lie of omission.

It was funny, I also felt like there was an order in which I needed to tell people.  I thought closest friends first, but then I realized I'd get more sympathy from my two friends whom I already knew might be moving later in the year: one to Miami and one to Phoenix.

I started with my dear friend, Lesley, who has moved around a bit with her family and had already started looking at schools for her three kids in the Phoenix area, anticipating a summer move. She is one of the most straight forward and simultaneously positive people I know. We also share the same level of snark and a similar sense of humor.

As anticipated, she was both enthusiastic about coming to visit us and sympathetic to leaving friends, moving with kids and just the general logistics of moving to a place so far away.

And exactly what I really really needed in this first sharing: unemotional.

Rebecca, whose husband got a position in Miami in the late fall, did not feel the same way. Not about her own probable move nor mine. So in my first telling I got to be the emotional one and in my second, I had to be the stable one. It was good practice.

Now I've got those under my belt, I'm ready for some harder ones.

Lunch Box Love Notes

When Will started Kindergarten and Soph first, I decided to put little notes in their lunches occasionally. Originally my goal was once a week, and I maintained for a while, using nap time to create fun little paper pictures to surprise them with.  It didn't take too long to taper off to once a month.

This was my first. A fox for Sophie.

His tail swishes so you can read the message

Now I make them for all three kids.  Sometimes, they are super complex and meaningful and other times they are just a paper heart with a note.  

Will's First day at Magellan School

A super quick and easy one (read: last minute)

I have even been known, (after discrete hinting and permission from the artist) to use one of the kids' drawings to create notes.

This is Ruby's.  She made the witch, I added the message.

I have made a bunch of these, and the kids always enjoy them.  I expected them to be ruined, stained with food, manhandled by friends or even tossed out.  But they always come home.  I've been saving them for years now, I have a big box that is completely full.  Every once in a while, the girls will thumb through them.

We've moved twice in the past 6 months and it occurred to me that I should go back and photograph them all, just in case.  So they are all here now, not in the right order, I couldn't ever remember that.

Books and More

My dear friend called me today to discuss the latest issue of playboy, which is now available at 5 year old eye level in a Barnes & Noble near you.

She has an eleven year old son who notices and analyses everything he sees and hears.  This naturally leads to LOTS of uncomfortable conversations between them and even more uncomfortable retellings to unsuspecting family members by him.  If your kids' Grandma needs to know what "that swallows!" means, he's your guy.

I love every conversation we have, she is a fantastic source of calm, rational, thoughtful advice which I frequently seek out. I am pretty sure her boy has exercised those brain muscles for her extensively from the moment he was able to talk. And she is not at all timid about asking for advice or even just confirmation of her sanity.

She called today with this conundrum: She was at Barnes and Noble to get get a book for her niece. While waiting to check out she noticed that B&N has recently changed it's placement of Playboy magazine to the racks in front of the cashiers.  This policy change is, of course, tied to Playboy no longer featuring nudes.

However.

This month's cover she found to be not something she would like to have to explain to her 11 year old son, who would, 100 per cent for sure ask about.  It's at his eye level.

She called to ask me if she was crazy to feel this way about it. So I pulled up the cover image.

Playboy. A Magazine for Men, March 2016

HOLY CRAP.

So clearly, she's clothed.  But she can't be 2 days over 18. She could certainly pass for 14.  She is posing so that photo appears to be a selfie (she'd have to have gorilla arms AND a selfie stick for that to be the case, but that detailed observation probably takes more brain power than those who purchase this mag are using) and the text banner across the lower third implies that this a selfie she has texted to someone.

So my issue isn't the bra and panties, it's the implication that this is what girls do for boys.  That boys can expect girls to take and text sexualized photos of themselves.

I'm neither a prude nor naive, I know girls do this.  I also know they don't need to see this cover image to get the idea. Long ago, at the beginning of digital time, I did it. I don't think girls should be shamed or punished for it, but that's a different post altogether.

However.

I find the idea that my daughter might see this graphic and draw the conclusion that boys are expecting, or worse, deserve photos like this sliding across their screens.

Seeing this at such a vanilla establishment as B&N makes it seem as though sexting photos of herself to her latest crush is just a basic level of communication needed to hold his attention.

How about my son?

I would never ever want him to feel as though he has a right to see a classmate's personal photos like this.  This is completely acceptable in a committed relationship, but never will he deserve or have a right to it.

I don't want to fall into the rabbit hole here, but this expectation of access to women's bodies is the tiny seed of school and workplace sexual harassment.

It strikes me that individual Barnes and Noble shouldn't be forced into displaying it at my kids' eye level.  Yes, Yes. They (currently) are. Corporate has decided to let Playboy pay for premium placement, the same way sugary cereals pay to placed on the shelf where your kid will see them. And individual stores have no say.  Or at least that's what the manager told my friend when she voiced her concern.

Grocery Store Etiquette 101

Some take aways from shopping amongst crushing hoards which you may employ:

1. If you can opt for one of those two tier half carts, do it.

2. If you have a kid with you and it's super crowded, do not let them push the cart, tiny or otherwise.

3. If there's one area that is particularly tight AND crowded, like the corner where the meat case meets the tasting station at Trader Joe's, park your cart in a nearby, unobtrusive spot and do a "snatch and grab" for your much need tenderloins.

4. This is not the time to read the labels on each and every type of trail mix and snacking nuts TJ's offers. Skip it. You can do it next time.

5. Pay attention to the people around you.

6. Be polite: "Please," "Thank you," "Do you have a bottle opener on your keys?" they go a long way.

7. Double check your list before you get in line.

8. Do not park your cart in line and then turn to me and say, "I'll be right back.  Watch my cart, 'kay?"

9. And for the love of all that is holy, Bag your own damn groceries. They are yours after all.

Treat Thursday!

Seven years ago, when my oldest started Kindergarten, (and I was stupid and idealistic) she made it all of 3 days before she began begging for cookies in her lunch, "like the other kids have."

I was not going to put cookies in her no-waste, farm-to-table, meticulously planned bento box lunch. Good mothers just don't do such things.

But here's the rub, I love her.  And I get it, everyone else around you has something you think is wonderful and you feel deprived... And I love treats, no surprise.

So, after several weeks of being pestered, I made her a deal.  Once a week, I will put a treat in your lunchbox.  What day do you want it?

"Thursdays"

She answered with no hesitation, "Thursdays are the worst day of the week."

And so, every Thursday since then, the kids have gotten a treat in their lunch boxes.

Interestingly, several years later, I was relaying this story of why, once a week, Ruby was getting a treat in her lunch to her kindergarten teacher, and Jane very quickly confirmed that Thursday is, in fact, the worst day of the week for most kids.  Past the novelty of a new week, but not actually the end.

Flotsam and Jetsam

Can we talk about birthday party goodie bags for a moment?  

 Here are the bullet points of today's rant/lecture:

• Every adult hates them

The host adult has carefully and thoughtfully designing a parting gift that stayed true to the "theme" of the party, spending time and money planning, creating, and assembling that she would, frankly, rather spend hanging out with her kids or upgrading her Netflix and watching tv. 

Or she freaked out at the last minute, raced to the party supply store, nearly mowed down an elderly lady coming out of Bed, Bath and Beyond with a cart full of scented candles, and spent a ton of money on junk the "kids" are just going to throw away.

The recipient adult (who is probably someone you know and like) now has a bag of trash, candy, and non-working flotsam to secret away from her child, who could not possibly part with that novelty eraser that only smears every pencil mark it comes into contact with.  Thank you for giving my kid one more thing to talk to her therapist about.

• They create a culture of consumerism and entitlement

Kids don't need it, they basically just had the equivalent of a kegger with a giant costumed mouse presiding, that they contributed nothing NOTHING to. They should be giving YOU a gift! Oh, wait. They did give your kid gifts.

But they expect it now. And it better be good.  I have actually heard 2nd graders comparing notes over past party bags. I have heard kids complain about the gift they were just given for coming to a friends party. Stop paying off my kid.

You know what my kid needs to get for coming to your kid's party? A high five and a thank you note.  They are a huge waste of resources

• They are a huge waste of resources

No one wants to spend their time and money on something that will go unnoticed, unused and unloved.  Spend it on wine and an HBOGo subscription.

We collectively are filling our world with trash. Please stop.  Stop buying it and companies will stop making it.

• They highlight 'have vs. have not' 

Not all parents can afford to do this.  Just like santa can't seem to afford to leave my kid an ipad, 'Beats' headphones, and a guitar.  (Side note: I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop doing that, Santa)

My kid once received a parting "goodie bag" with the exact same craft kit that we had given to the birthday girl. (for the record, I have a $15 rule, unless you are related by blood or the one and only BFF, for whom I bump it to $25)  So. Um. That's embarrassing. For both of us. My kid was MORTIFIED. She was 5.  That's right, even a 5 year old gets it.

Now, for the record, I have been, in the past guilty of getting caught up in this.  Here are some of the things we've given as party favors in the past: 

• Rainbow Fairy and Magic Treehouse Books
• Lego mini-figs
• Pool noodles
• Helium balloons (in a fit of panic when I realized I left the glow sticks at home) 
• Mini-pumpkins the kids had painted 
• Copies of Leonardo and the Terrible Monster by Mo Willems

However, for the past several birthdays, we have skipped it. And do you know what? I was thanked. 

By multiple parents.  

Car Talk

On the way home from school Ruby (4 years old) pipes up from the back seat, "Mama, I know how to tell if a dog is a girl or a boy."

Me, "Yup, boy dogs have a pe..."

Ruby, interrupting, "No, Mama. not the boy dogs. GIRL dogs have a scar on their tummies from where the doctor cut them and made it so they can't have babies."

A very brief pause

An audible gasp, "MAMA. Could someone do that to ME?"
     (as if some random stranger is going to sneak up behind her)

Me, "Well, yes, if you decide you don't want to have any babies you can choose to have an operation that will keep you from ever getting pregnant."

Ruby, "But mama, what if I do want to have babies later, but I'm sexing with a boy and I don't want to have babies now?"

Me, "Oh. There's a medicine you can take to keep from getting pregnant.  It doesn't keep you from getting pregnant forever, but will work so long as you keep taking it.  There's other ways, too, but the pill is the easiest and most effective."

Ruby, "Huh. Okay."

It's good to have a plan.

They want to eat. Again.

While feeding the people who live in my house isn't my ONLY task in life, it is definitely one of the most stressful for me.

First of all, I have to do it at least three times a day, every day.

Second of all, they want variety, "But we had that last weeeeeeeek," is not an uncommon thing to hear come out of a short person's mouth around here.

Third of all, they hate variety (uh huh, contradiction, I know), "I only want turkey and cheese sandwiches in my lunch FOR. EV. ER!"

Fourth of all, the outside world has pressured me into being healthy and if there is one thing we can all rally behind (even if it's secretly, inside my head) we all hate kale. And chia seeds. But not quinoa, I love that shit.  The kids, however; they hate it.

But I will continue to foist it on them in the name of good health and expanding your palate even while they refuse to do more than take 20 micro no thank you bites (equivalent to 2 normal bites) because I want you, world, to think I am a good mother.

But really. Honestly, I'd rather just eat cereal over the sink and call it a night.

Things I forced my kids to try last week:

Super yummy cheesy quinoa I loved it. They hated it.
Shepherd's pie None of us really liked it, but I ate it because I'm a grown up.
Crazy delicious cheesy spinach I loved it. Ruby loved it. The others were pissed that there was a vegetable in their cheese.
Soft pretzels Everyone loved these. What kind of monster wouldn't like these?

Home made soft pretzels

It's time to make pretzels again!  I have a hard time keeping these in the house for more than a day or two, they are so very yummy. 

It's a four stage process: mix the dough,  (invisible step: let it rise) shape the dough, blanch the pretzels in a baking soda bath and then bake them.  Lengthy, but SO very worth it.  

Here's the recipe I have been using 

So I mixed my dough with the recipe I normally use and as I was putting the mixer away, (in this ridiculous rental kitchen there isn't space to keep the mixer on the counter) I remembered Helena Bonham Starter in the fridge!  GAAA!! 

Helena is the Sourdough starter I took home from the baking class I took with Judith in the city.  The baker told us we should name our starter and introduce her to everyone with whom we share a fridge to prevent an unfortunate mishap come trash day.  Everyone loves her. 

Now I am having a bake off: me, making the old recipe in one corner and in the other: Me, making a new sourdough pretzel recipe. 

I found a sourdough pretzel recipe over at JoyTheBaker's site.

Which pretzel will be the best?  Interesting chemistry note here, the recipes are very similar, but my regular one calls for bathing the pretzels in a pot of boiling baking soda- water before baking them (the dough feels kind of crusty when you pull it out of the bath, so I assume this is to achieve the wonderful chewy brown exterior) and the new sourdough recipe skips this step.  

I decided I would a tray of the new sourdough first, boil half and leave the other half plain.  This way I can finish off the batch in the best way possible. 

Here they are in the baking soda bath, the photo is a little steamy.     

The top one hasn't been boiled

The bottom one has. See how the color is different, it looks a little crusty and it's puffed up?  

Here's how they lined up on the tray:

Here's how they came out:

Looks pretty obvious that boiling in the baking soda bath is what makes pretzels more than just bread. This fact did not keep the kids from eating both kinds.  There was one kid (of 4) who said she preferred the unboiled kind.  I prefer the boiled ones, turns out, here, looks aren't deceiving at all, the unboiled really just taste and feel like bread.

But the original experiment was old recipe vs. sourdough recipe! How'd it turn out? Who won?

Here are the final products. 

They are both chewy on the outside and soft on the inside.  The size difference is due to my not weighing the dough pieces to be certain they were he same size. They were both bathed and washed with beaten egg (for shine) and topped with salt.  

The taste testing kids were split evenly for their favorite.  But I will tell you the truth.  They taste exactly the same.  And they are delicious.  Both recipes are the same amount of work, the original recipe produces more dough, but it's really not much more.  So if you have sourdough starter kicking around in the fridge, make them that way, it's a great way to use it.  If not, make them with the old recipe.  Either way, they aren't going to last long.

We're all a bit crafty here

I am working on something crafty for the kids' easter baskets.  Ruby got an animal pompom kit for christmas that I am riffing off of.  So far I've made three bunnies, two ducklings and a blue bird chick.  

I put them on the top shelf of the book case in my office, thinking the kids would never notice them there (I have actually put gifts FOR THEM in the cart at Target and they haven't noticed-generally, they are not observant little people). But Soph spied them and it was love at first sight. She came into the living room after the other kids had fallen asleep to discuss naming them.  I admitted that I am planning on putting them in easter baskets (no flinch from her), she then requested that the big bunny, Humphrey, she's calling him, be hers.

Yesterday she was secretly inspecting the bluebird, trying to mentally reverse engineer how I made it, when she tugged a bit too hard and the knot holding his head and body together slipped loose.  She came into the kitchen and sorrowfully admitted the mishap.  No biggie, I can stitch them back together, just leave it on my desk. Oops. Ruby spied him sitting there, waiting to be mended. The jig is up. I am still going to put them, in baskets, hopefully this won't lead to the demise of Santa. (Although I'd probably be okay with that pesky shelf elf taking a hike.)

Renovations, Rentals and Reality

UGH. Reality. It just sucks.

We fixed up and sold our home, moved across the country, lived in our (technically my in-law's) house for five months and then moved into a rental house right after halloween so that renovations could start.  Five months, maybe six, is what we were told by the contractor.  We were super lucky to find a rental in the same neighborhood as the house we are renovating.  We signed a six month lease with the option to go month to month afterward, understanding that no one can predict the weather and construction almost always takes longer than predicted.

And so we come to this moment.  Last week our contractor told us our house should be ready by the time the kids go back to school in the fall.  um. Right,  because May is before the fall.

August. He means August.  Well alright, we'll just set it up with our landlord...

Aaaannnd... the homeowner of our rental has just informed us that he's made arrangements for renovations on this house to begin May 1.  And he wants us out.

I have some ideas, some thoughts... We're going to try to negotiate a bit, but I am pretty sure this is going to end with our paying to put all of our stuff (toys, books, bedding, art supplies, entertainment) in storage and living with my in-laws for 8 weeks, until the kids are out of school and we can escape to their other house, up in the mountains.

Holy shit, what am I going to do with three kids stuck with my in-laws and none of their own stuff for EIGHT WEEKS?! Lets not forget that neither my husband nor I go to work everyday. oh sweet lord.

Hindsight: Arrangements and Agreements

One thing that is common knowledge is that real estate prices in California far outstrip the rest of the country. It won't be possible for us to sell our 2/3 paid for house in Raleigh and buy a house near Steve's parents. We might be able to find something for which $200,000 could be a downpayment, but it would be small and badly in need of renovation. (This is Crazy, right? $1,000,000 fixer upper) Even if we did find something livable, we couldn't afford the mortgage on a professor's salary.

And this is the thing that will prevent us from moving. (guilty internal sigh of relief)

When I point this out, Steve replies, "Well, maybe my folks can help us a bit. I'll talk to my dad about it."

And that was the beginning of the end of any discussion. Of course his dad was SO VERY on board that just a day later I caught him searching Zillow for a house for us. My in-laws decided they would buy a house for us to live in as an investment property, and then, eventually, we'll inherit it, instead of cash. Awesome. Amazing. Insanely Generous.

hashtag blessed hashtag firstworldproblems Right?

They are truly fantastic people who deeply care about family and want us all near.

And yet, I'm not so into it. I am a stay at home mom. I haven't held a job in 11 years. I am about to sell off the single thing I have that creates an illusion of something close to financial security. I am about to get rid of all equity. We will have nothing to our name but our cars. This gives me the cold sweats.

So we will drive around their town before we fly back to NC and try to figure out roughly where we'd like to be. We have 7 months or so to find a place.

In the meantime I will practice deep breathing and try to ride the coattails of Steve's excitement about moving. What I really do is dive deep into the Outlander novel series and start drinking a lot more.

Local flavor

I'm headed into the city today with a friend to take a sourdough bread making class.

Judith is my first friend that I made out here in California, all on my own without being introduced by any of my in-laws. We met at the "new families" night at the kids' elementary school. She is also new to town (by way of Philadelphia) but much more super adventurous and ready to jump into the whole idea of being in a new place and learning all about it than I am. I am completely happy to tagalong with her to learn what I can.

Maybe being with her will help me embrace this place.

We've been here for six months now and I still haven't driven into San Francisco on my own. We're about 7 miles from the center of Goldengate bridge going to Google maps.

I have driven repeatedly to Muir Woods, there's something pretty great in hiding in the trees' towering quiet. (And don't forget the banana slugs, they're pretty cool, too.)

 I am unadventurous, uninspired and lame, I know. I'm also convinced I'm depressed and not really fully in acceptance of being here.

Homework Help

How do you get your kids to let you help them with the mechanics of homework and studying?

I have a million ideas for getting them organized: folders, dividers, highlighters, post its! This is the crap I live for.  Office supply stores are one of my favorite places to go.  So much promise.

Most of these aren't my own, original ideas.  In the eighth grade we were required to take a semester of "study skills."  The teacher gave us binders and dividers, showed us how to set them up with our subjects in the order we had them and then added pockets with "to do" and "to turn it" on either side.  She showed us different ways to organize each class with internal tabs of "notes" "homework," "class work." She taught us note taking strategies for lectures, watching movies, reading articles and textbooks. Not to mention all the silly test taking strategies, remember "if it's multiple choice and you aren't certain, chose 'C'?  Her class stuck with me, it got me through high school and college.

Now if I could just convince my kids that I have real, tested, solid ideas.