Hindsight #2: January 2015 pt 1

We've kept everything about possibly moving under wraps from the kids. I know that the moment they know, I will no longer be able to control the message, and I want to tell my friends myself. Which became almost impossible the moment my mother-in-law was told.   She was so excited and couldn't remember that we weren't telling them about it yet.

Strong emotions around a topic have staying power in her brain now, almost to the exclusion of anything else.  This creates what we refer to as "loops," in which she will stay super focused, repeating questions and conversation over and over again.  Sometimes the loops are fairly spread apart, an hour or so, and other times they repeat seemingly right on top of one another.  It can be very hard to maneuver her out of a loop and the more emotional it is, the harder to get her to refocus.

Interestingly, I have also noticed, the more physically uncomfortable or 'out of her element' she is, the worse it is, too.  For instance, it gets really bad when my father-in-law (her grounding touch stone) isn't around and even worse when we are not at their house.  She's much better when she's at home.

Coming home from vacation means seeing friends again.  And I couldn't keep it a secret from them for long. Not talking about it, even though nothing was happening besides looking at real estate, I felt like I was lying.  A lie of omission.

It was funny, I also felt like there was an order in which I needed to tell people.  I thought closest friends first, but then I realized I'd get more sympathy from my two friends whom I already knew might be moving later in the year: one to Miami and one to Phoenix.

I started with my dear friend, Lesley, who has moved around a bit with her family and had already started looking at schools for her three kids in the Phoenix area, anticipating a summer move. She is one of the most straight forward and simultaneously positive people I know. We also share the same level of snark and a similar sense of humor.

As anticipated, she was both enthusiastic about coming to visit us and sympathetic to leaving friends, moving with kids and just the general logistics of moving to a place so far away.

And exactly what I really really needed in this first sharing: unemotional.

Rebecca, whose husband got a position in Miami in the late fall, did not feel the same way. Not about her own probable move nor mine. So in my first telling I got to be the emotional one and in my second, I had to be the stable one. It was good practice.

Now I've got those under my belt, I'm ready for some harder ones.

Renovations, Rentals and Reality

UGH. Reality. It just sucks.

We fixed up and sold our home, moved across the country, lived in our (technically my in-law's) house for five months and then moved into a rental house right after halloween so that renovations could start.  Five months, maybe six, is what we were told by the contractor.  We were super lucky to find a rental in the same neighborhood as the house we are renovating.  We signed a six month lease with the option to go month to month afterward, understanding that no one can predict the weather and construction almost always takes longer than predicted.

And so we come to this moment.  Last week our contractor told us our house should be ready by the time the kids go back to school in the fall.  um. Right,  because May is before the fall.

August. He means August.  Well alright, we'll just set it up with our landlord...

Aaaannnd... the homeowner of our rental has just informed us that he's made arrangements for renovations on this house to begin May 1.  And he wants us out.

I have some ideas, some thoughts... We're going to try to negotiate a bit, but I am pretty sure this is going to end with our paying to put all of our stuff (toys, books, bedding, art supplies, entertainment) in storage and living with my in-laws for 8 weeks, until the kids are out of school and we can escape to their other house, up in the mountains.

Holy shit, what am I going to do with three kids stuck with my in-laws and none of their own stuff for EIGHT WEEKS?! Lets not forget that neither my husband nor I go to work everyday. oh sweet lord.

Hindsight: Arrangements and Agreements

One thing that is common knowledge is that real estate prices in California far outstrip the rest of the country. It won't be possible for us to sell our 2/3 paid for house in Raleigh and buy a house near Steve's parents. We might be able to find something for which $200,000 could be a downpayment, but it would be small and badly in need of renovation. (This is Crazy, right? $1,000,000 fixer upper) Even if we did find something livable, we couldn't afford the mortgage on a professor's salary.

And this is the thing that will prevent us from moving. (guilty internal sigh of relief)

When I point this out, Steve replies, "Well, maybe my folks can help us a bit. I'll talk to my dad about it."

And that was the beginning of the end of any discussion. Of course his dad was SO VERY on board that just a day later I caught him searching Zillow for a house for us. My in-laws decided they would buy a house for us to live in as an investment property, and then, eventually, we'll inherit it, instead of cash. Awesome. Amazing. Insanely Generous.

hashtag blessed hashtag firstworldproblems Right?

They are truly fantastic people who deeply care about family and want us all near.

And yet, I'm not so into it. I am a stay at home mom. I haven't held a job in 11 years. I am about to sell off the single thing I have that creates an illusion of something close to financial security. I am about to get rid of all equity. We will have nothing to our name but our cars. This gives me the cold sweats.

So we will drive around their town before we fly back to NC and try to figure out roughly where we'd like to be. We have 7 months or so to find a place.

In the meantime I will practice deep breathing and try to ride the coattails of Steve's excitement about moving. What I really do is dive deep into the Outlander novel series and start drinking a lot more.

In Hindsight #1

Last October my father-in-law called and asked us to seriously consider flying out to California (from the east coast) for the christmas holidays, even though it was an "off year" for us traveling.

 "I know you came out last christmas and just a few months ago, but your mom isn't at her best, and I'm really not sure how much longer she'll be fun for." 

My mother-in-law is a lovely lady; super smart, family lawyer, world traveler, interested in politics and life, worked with BigBrothers/ BigSisters for years as BigSister. But she is in the early stages of dementia. She has coped pretty well for a few years now, but its pretty obvious things are getting worse.

So we came.

I'll admit to being pretty bummed and a bit resentful. We have some very fun traditions for our "at home" years: we have a big tree trimming party with as many friends as we can cram into the house, people from all of our various circles, I bake and bake and bake and there's the shelf elf craziness and gingerbread house building... and we are going to miss it all, again.  Just not having a christmas tree in the house is a huge disappointment.  As it is, I only get to unpack our family's ornaments once every two years. Without a tree in the house, December is just sad.   Coming out to California means skipping all of that, plus the aggravating logistics of buying gifts and traveling and staying in a space that is not our own (my in-laws are wonderfully hospitable, but it's hard to keep three kids occupied for three weeks in a house that isn't their own).  Then there's the difficulty of getting everything back across the country.  These are the years I demand all the kids' gifts have to be smaller than a shoe box and weigh less than 2 pounds. Which never works, by the way. We've shipped giant wooden trucks and carefully wrapped and packed completed lego builds, we've crammed giant stuffed animals and double boxed cases of wine glasses (those were not the kids').

My Father-in-law was right, she was worse, just since the summer.

To the point that my husband asked me about a seemingly pie-in-the-sky idea, that we pack up and move across the country.  He wasn't happy with his job, the school itself was falling into financial mess and things were not looking good for any employee.  His dad could clearly use more family around and Steve wanted to be a support for him. 

"Yes"

I said yes.  How could I say anything else?