We are supposed to be going to my niece, L's, 6th birthday party this weekend, where I am sure to see her older sister, S, (14) who is 5 months pregnant. This will be the first time I've seen or talked to her since I found out. I am sure the air between us will be different.
My feelings toward the entire situation don't fit the standard cliche, "I'm just so disappointed in you." I feel like disappointment can only be felt when expectations aren't met. And if I am completely honest, the news of her pregnancy wasn't surprising. I found out several months ago (about 6- you do the math) that she'd been caught by her aunt, just 21 herself, and admitted to having unprotected sex. Her justification for not using a condom was that she "looked in [her aunt B's] drawers but she didn't have any!" How could B be so thoughtless, really! This is the mentality of 14 year olds: I want to do x, and the adults in my life are here to make it possible.
At one point during this early morning confrontation, S said that her mom, "knows and is okay with it, and she won't tell my dad, anyway." The implication here is that B could tell on her, but it wouldn't result in any repercussions for her. She was right, she didn't get in trouble. Her mom did not, in fact, tell her dad. Sadly, 6 weeks later she's pregnant.
Her mother, C, has never set any limits for her, even knowing just how at risk she was for this specific kind of behavior, having been sexually abused as a small girl. So, no, I am not surprised nor am I disappointed in her. I am sad and I feel helpless. As I have for several years now.
I have tried in the past to offer C advice or suggestions for other outside parenting resources. It was always greeted enthusiastically and then promptly disregarded. So I stopped. I realized the only way I could effect real change for this girl would be more detrimental in the end. I had come to a place of crossing my fingers and squeezing my eyes shut and hoping for the least disastrous outcome.
She will be giving birth one week before her 15th birthday. I keep racking my brain about what could I have done differently to change the place where she is now. Let me be the first to say, hindsight isn't always 20/20, I can't come up with anything.
So, no, I am not disappointed in her. I am disappointed in all of the adults, myself included, who are a part of her life, who couldn't do anything but stand by and watch. Before I was a parent, before I was in the situation of having a close friends and family member parent her own children in a manner I find deplorable, I had very different expectations of what my adult relationships with my nieces and nephews would be like. I am disappointed to find myself so powerless.
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