Hindsight #2: January 2015 pt 1

We've kept everything about possibly moving under wraps from the kids. I know that the moment they know, I will no longer be able to control the message, and I want to tell my friends myself. Which became almost impossible the moment my mother-in-law was told.   She was so excited and couldn't remember that we weren't telling them about it yet.

Strong emotions around a topic have staying power in her brain now, almost to the exclusion of anything else.  This creates what we refer to as "loops," in which she will stay super focused, repeating questions and conversation over and over again.  Sometimes the loops are fairly spread apart, an hour or so, and other times they repeat seemingly right on top of one another.  It can be very hard to maneuver her out of a loop and the more emotional it is, the harder to get her to refocus.

Interestingly, I have also noticed, the more physically uncomfortable or 'out of her element' she is, the worse it is, too.  For instance, it gets really bad when my father-in-law (her grounding touch stone) isn't around and even worse when we are not at their house.  She's much better when she's at home.

Coming home from vacation means seeing friends again.  And I couldn't keep it a secret from them for long. Not talking about it, even though nothing was happening besides looking at real estate, I felt like I was lying.  A lie of omission.

It was funny, I also felt like there was an order in which I needed to tell people.  I thought closest friends first, but then I realized I'd get more sympathy from my two friends whom I already knew might be moving later in the year: one to Miami and one to Phoenix.

I started with my dear friend, Lesley, who has moved around a bit with her family and had already started looking at schools for her three kids in the Phoenix area, anticipating a summer move. She is one of the most straight forward and simultaneously positive people I know. We also share the same level of snark and a similar sense of humor.

As anticipated, she was both enthusiastic about coming to visit us and sympathetic to leaving friends, moving with kids and just the general logistics of moving to a place so far away.

And exactly what I really really needed in this first sharing: unemotional.

Rebecca, whose husband got a position in Miami in the late fall, did not feel the same way. Not about her own probable move nor mine. So in my first telling I got to be the emotional one and in my second, I had to be the stable one. It was good practice.

Now I've got those under my belt, I'm ready for some harder ones.

Lunch Box Love Notes

When Will started Kindergarten and Soph first, I decided to put little notes in their lunches occasionally. Originally my goal was once a week, and I maintained for a while, using nap time to create fun little paper pictures to surprise them with.  It didn't take too long to taper off to once a month.

This was my first. A fox for Sophie.

His tail swishes so you can read the message

Now I make them for all three kids.  Sometimes, they are super complex and meaningful and other times they are just a paper heart with a note.  

Will's First day at Magellan School

A super quick and easy one (read: last minute)

I have even been known, (after discrete hinting and permission from the artist) to use one of the kids' drawings to create notes.

This is Ruby's.  She made the witch, I added the message.

I have made a bunch of these, and the kids always enjoy them.  I expected them to be ruined, stained with food, manhandled by friends or even tossed out.  But they always come home.  I've been saving them for years now, I have a big box that is completely full.  Every once in a while, the girls will thumb through them.

We've moved twice in the past 6 months and it occurred to me that I should go back and photograph them all, just in case.  So they are all here now, not in the right order, I couldn't ever remember that.

Books and More

My dear friend called me today to discuss the latest issue of playboy, which is now available at 5 year old eye level in a Barnes & Noble near you.

She has an eleven year old son who notices and analyses everything he sees and hears.  This naturally leads to LOTS of uncomfortable conversations between them and even more uncomfortable retellings to unsuspecting family members by him.  If your kids' Grandma needs to know what "that swallows!" means, he's your guy.

I love every conversation we have, she is a fantastic source of calm, rational, thoughtful advice which I frequently seek out. I am pretty sure her boy has exercised those brain muscles for her extensively from the moment he was able to talk. And she is not at all timid about asking for advice or even just confirmation of her sanity.

She called today with this conundrum: She was at Barnes and Noble to get get a book for her niece. While waiting to check out she noticed that B&N has recently changed it's placement of Playboy magazine to the racks in front of the cashiers.  This policy change is, of course, tied to Playboy no longer featuring nudes.

However.

This month's cover she found to be not something she would like to have to explain to her 11 year old son, who would, 100 per cent for sure ask about.  It's at his eye level.

She called to ask me if she was crazy to feel this way about it. So I pulled up the cover image.

Playboy. A Magazine for Men, March 2016

HOLY CRAP.

So clearly, she's clothed.  But she can't be 2 days over 18. She could certainly pass for 14.  She is posing so that photo appears to be a selfie (she'd have to have gorilla arms AND a selfie stick for that to be the case, but that detailed observation probably takes more brain power than those who purchase this mag are using) and the text banner across the lower third implies that this a selfie she has texted to someone.

So my issue isn't the bra and panties, it's the implication that this is what girls do for boys.  That boys can expect girls to take and text sexualized photos of themselves.

I'm neither a prude nor naive, I know girls do this.  I also know they don't need to see this cover image to get the idea. Long ago, at the beginning of digital time, I did it. I don't think girls should be shamed or punished for it, but that's a different post altogether.

However.

I find the idea that my daughter might see this graphic and draw the conclusion that boys are expecting, or worse, deserve photos like this sliding across their screens.

Seeing this at such a vanilla establishment as B&N makes it seem as though sexting photos of herself to her latest crush is just a basic level of communication needed to hold his attention.

How about my son?

I would never ever want him to feel as though he has a right to see a classmate's personal photos like this.  This is completely acceptable in a committed relationship, but never will he deserve or have a right to it.

I don't want to fall into the rabbit hole here, but this expectation of access to women's bodies is the tiny seed of school and workplace sexual harassment.

It strikes me that individual Barnes and Noble shouldn't be forced into displaying it at my kids' eye level.  Yes, Yes. They (currently) are. Corporate has decided to let Playboy pay for premium placement, the same way sugary cereals pay to placed on the shelf where your kid will see them. And individual stores have no say.  Or at least that's what the manager told my friend when she voiced her concern.

Grocery Store Etiquette 101

Some take aways from shopping amongst crushing hoards which you may employ:

1. If you can opt for one of those two tier half carts, do it.

2. If you have a kid with you and it's super crowded, do not let them push the cart, tiny or otherwise.

3. If there's one area that is particularly tight AND crowded, like the corner where the meat case meets the tasting station at Trader Joe's, park your cart in a nearby, unobtrusive spot and do a "snatch and grab" for your much need tenderloins.

4. This is not the time to read the labels on each and every type of trail mix and snacking nuts TJ's offers. Skip it. You can do it next time.

5. Pay attention to the people around you.

6. Be polite: "Please," "Thank you," "Do you have a bottle opener on your keys?" they go a long way.

7. Double check your list before you get in line.

8. Do not park your cart in line and then turn to me and say, "I'll be right back.  Watch my cart, 'kay?"

9. And for the love of all that is holy, Bag your own damn groceries. They are yours after all.

Treat Thursday!

Seven years ago, when my oldest started Kindergarten, (and I was stupid and idealistic) she made it all of 3 days before she began begging for cookies in her lunch, "like the other kids have."

I was not going to put cookies in her no-waste, farm-to-table, meticulously planned bento box lunch. Good mothers just don't do such things.

But here's the rub, I love her.  And I get it, everyone else around you has something you think is wonderful and you feel deprived... And I love treats, no surprise.

So, after several weeks of being pestered, I made her a deal.  Once a week, I will put a treat in your lunchbox.  What day do you want it?

"Thursdays"

She answered with no hesitation, "Thursdays are the worst day of the week."

And so, every Thursday since then, the kids have gotten a treat in their lunch boxes.

Interestingly, several years later, I was relaying this story of why, once a week, Ruby was getting a treat in her lunch to her kindergarten teacher, and Jane very quickly confirmed that Thursday is, in fact, the worst day of the week for most kids.  Past the novelty of a new week, but not actually the end.

Flotsam and Jetsam

Can we talk about birthday party goodie bags for a moment?  

 Here are the bullet points of today's rant/lecture:

• Every adult hates them

The host adult has carefully and thoughtfully designing a parting gift that stayed true to the "theme" of the party, spending time and money planning, creating, and assembling that she would, frankly, rather spend hanging out with her kids or upgrading her Netflix and watching tv. 

Or she freaked out at the last minute, raced to the party supply store, nearly mowed down an elderly lady coming out of Bed, Bath and Beyond with a cart full of scented candles, and spent a ton of money on junk the "kids" are just going to throw away.

The recipient adult (who is probably someone you know and like) now has a bag of trash, candy, and non-working flotsam to secret away from her child, who could not possibly part with that novelty eraser that only smears every pencil mark it comes into contact with.  Thank you for giving my kid one more thing to talk to her therapist about.

• They create a culture of consumerism and entitlement

Kids don't need it, they basically just had the equivalent of a kegger with a giant costumed mouse presiding, that they contributed nothing NOTHING to. They should be giving YOU a gift! Oh, wait. They did give your kid gifts.

But they expect it now. And it better be good.  I have actually heard 2nd graders comparing notes over past party bags. I have heard kids complain about the gift they were just given for coming to a friends party. Stop paying off my kid.

You know what my kid needs to get for coming to your kid's party? A high five and a thank you note.  They are a huge waste of resources

• They are a huge waste of resources

No one wants to spend their time and money on something that will go unnoticed, unused and unloved.  Spend it on wine and an HBOGo subscription.

We collectively are filling our world with trash. Please stop.  Stop buying it and companies will stop making it.

• They highlight 'have vs. have not' 

Not all parents can afford to do this.  Just like santa can't seem to afford to leave my kid an ipad, 'Beats' headphones, and a guitar.  (Side note: I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop doing that, Santa)

My kid once received a parting "goodie bag" with the exact same craft kit that we had given to the birthday girl. (for the record, I have a $15 rule, unless you are related by blood or the one and only BFF, for whom I bump it to $25)  So. Um. That's embarrassing. For both of us. My kid was MORTIFIED. She was 5.  That's right, even a 5 year old gets it.

Now, for the record, I have been, in the past guilty of getting caught up in this.  Here are some of the things we've given as party favors in the past: 

• Rainbow Fairy and Magic Treehouse Books
• Lego mini-figs
• Pool noodles
• Helium balloons (in a fit of panic when I realized I left the glow sticks at home) 
• Mini-pumpkins the kids had painted 
• Copies of Leonardo and the Terrible Monster by Mo Willems

However, for the past several birthdays, we have skipped it. And do you know what? I was thanked. 

By multiple parents.  

Car Talk

On the way home from school Ruby (4 years old) pipes up from the back seat, "Mama, I know how to tell if a dog is a girl or a boy."

Me, "Yup, boy dogs have a pe..."

Ruby, interrupting, "No, Mama. not the boy dogs. GIRL dogs have a scar on their tummies from where the doctor cut them and made it so they can't have babies."

A very brief pause

An audible gasp, "MAMA. Could someone do that to ME?"
     (as if some random stranger is going to sneak up behind her)

Me, "Well, yes, if you decide you don't want to have any babies you can choose to have an operation that will keep you from ever getting pregnant."

Ruby, "But mama, what if I do want to have babies later, but I'm sexing with a boy and I don't want to have babies now?"

Me, "Oh. There's a medicine you can take to keep from getting pregnant.  It doesn't keep you from getting pregnant forever, but will work so long as you keep taking it.  There's other ways, too, but the pill is the easiest and most effective."

Ruby, "Huh. Okay."

It's good to have a plan.